Remarriage after divorce and cultural differences

Remarriage after divorce has been one of the issues we have not only learnt about in our own relationship but also in knowing others in similar situations. For us there is the added complexity of cultural differences to take into account so we would like to share our thoughts and experiences.

One of the pitfalls we have noticed can cause problems with remarriage after divorce is the temptation to try and fit your new partner into your old life. 

We know of a couple who fall into this category where the man who is in his 50′s has tried to make his new wife fit into his old life with her expected to play a certain role with his family that she did not bargain for to begin with. Perhaps because like ourselves they are also a mixed culture marriage the communication has also been a factor and a cause of misunderstanding but his resistance to change his old life patterns for his new wife has caused her to finally leave him.

Now we do realize this is a complex issue and there is a little more to that story that we will not go into here but the essence of our point is that we feel when you enter a new marriage after divorce both parties need to be clear about what a future life together will be like.

Our way of thinking has always been that we are creating a new life together and that neither of us are expected to simply fit into old life patterns and be a direct replacement for previous partners. Yes of course there will be some similarities in routines and patterns especially where family and old friends are concerned but we have always been careful to ensure we are creating and living a new life that is of our own creation.

It is not always easy to do and we have had to be strong on a number of occasions. As we have settled mostly in Australia for the time being we have been challenged with a few situations from Dean’s old life. Expectations from old friends have sometimes required Dean to be very clear that Angella is not a replacement wife but someone he is creating a new life with and that their life together is different and their own. It is something we reveal in a bit more detail in our ebook.

Now we certainly don’t blame anyone here as it is understandable for people to think nothing of it and expect life will continue along the same path’s as before. It has been our responsibility to correct this and enable people to see things are different. It takes time and it also takes some strength because there is a definate risk of upsetting some people and losing friendships in the process but we feel there is a natural process at work here anyway and as one chapter closes a new one opens.

This idea of death and rebirth is important because we cannot become to attached to the past that we are afraid to let go and allow new things enter our lives. It is not possible to recreate the past and in fact why would you when the past marriage ended in divorce but it does seem that many fall into this trap of a a new marriage that resembles the old one. Now granted this may well suit some people but from what we have seen and also in our own view it is not the best way to go.

Cultural differences can be a positive catalyst for change

For us although it may appear that our cultural differences and the fact that we spent 2 years living in different countries can present numerous problems but it has in fact been the catalyst for making changes in our lives and creating a completely new lifestyle together. A lifestyle that incorporates new culture from both sides and a desire to do things differently from the past. In actual fact despite our vastly different cultural backgrounds we have discovered to our delight that we both share very similar core values.

If finding love in life is like a jigsaw then it is vital to find the right pieces to fit together that create the whole picture and understand that each relationship is a new picture.

Another positive move we believe has a strong impact on our marriage is to have a shared and clear vision of our future. This is something we have done from the start and we often review our plans as well as committing them to writing. Doing this enables us to make the right decisions as we can always look at things that happen in our lives in terms of whether they support our goals or not.

Has it been easy? No and we are still a work in progress but the opportunity to learn from the past and do things better is one of the very positive aspects of remarriage after divorce. We believe this is a more healthy attitude to adopt as it is not out of fear to be alone or regret for what has been lost that is the motivating factor to remarry.

Read more about intercultural marriages